written July 2016
So, in my last post about 7 months ago, I alluded to change and transition on the horizon. I said that I was going to reflect on my 2015.
Well, I started the post. But never finished it. I guess life got in the way. I guess it was hard, I guess I was busy...etc.
Anyways, I digress. I said that I was focusing on my health and weight loss again, and that I was preparing for job search number two (which I will talk about!!) And its all true, but one big thing has changed.
I am now single. My relationship was a huge factor in the change and transition that I was preparing to happen at this time. I honestly thought that I was with the person who was going to be "the" person. I can't really say where things took a turn, but I realized that it wasn't going the way I wanted it to. I was willing to be flexible, and patient and supportive. It is, after all, just who I am as a person to be empathetic and compassionate. And I was all of those things throughout the course of the relationship. I mean, I am not perfect, no one is, but I believe that I loved with my whole heart, and truly exhibited courage and faith in a lot of ways. But there was something gnawing at me for a long time, causing me to be stressed and emotional and not my best self.
The one emotion I didn't expect, but that I have felt most of all when I ended it was- RELIEF. I feel free, free to not give a flying you know what, what he thinks. Whether he is wanting me in his life anymore, whether he sees a future together, whether he wants kids and if I could be okay without them, whether he thinks I'm sexy, or smart enough, or successful enough. I don't care. I want someone who wants me by his side, and he didn't, and that was enough for me to say that I was done.
You know when you just KNOW something? Like, there is no hesitation, there is no turning back, this is your decision and you know if you don't choose it, you would never be at peace? Yeah, I felt that. And it was honestly the most amazing feeling. Because in that moment, my confidence and self-compassion was in full force. I could not be more sure about anything, and I had full control. No matter what, I was making the choice that was best for me, and I knew exactly what it was. Everything was in sync and I felt at peace. I mean, I was obviously nervous, but I knew with every bone in my body, that I had to end things. And so I did, with conviction. With all of the faith in myself in the world, I stood my ground and told him that I couldn't accept it anymore. And that was that.
I have never felt more powerful. I never want to forget that feeling.
This relationship taught me that no matter what you might give to a person, how much of your best self you bring, that doesn't change or mean that the other person will bring that with them. And even if they do, in their mind, it doesn't mean that it will align with who you are and what you want. It also taught me that my value and worth should not correlate according to someone who cannot exhibit and articulate what they value about you. But when you love someone so much, you want to feel valued by them. You want them to SEE you. Sometimes, we get glimpses of ourselves, from an outside perspective and we see the amazingness that we are. Every once in while, on my journey to self compassion and being my own BFF over this past year, I would reflect on myself, and feel so much love for who I am (not to be conceited or vain) and then I would think- why can't he see this? Does he see this?
The other thing I learned? I am surrounded by amazing people who love me. My AOII girls here in Seattle, my sister, my gym family, my co workers, my students, my friends all across the country, my mentors. I have LOTS of people in my corner, who see the amazing person that I am. Why did I look for validation and approval from the one person who isn't really capable of giving it? ugh deep questions. But that doesn't matter, because the people that really know me, really see me, see who I really am. I am so loved, I can't even believe it. The power of that is incredible, and now that I am out of the relationship, I don't know why I worked so hard for crumbs, when I was completely nourished by even just one person in this tribe that I call mine. My cup runneth over BIG TIME, and I am so grateful.
I am SO excited about what is to come next for me. I have a renewed energy, my old self is awake again, but better than ever. I am excited about almost every day, and especially the next few months (instead of dreading them).
